Things I have lost and other things I have lost while doing nothing important

(Working title: Hindustan Leavers)

Spoiler warning: Not a self-help wise or spiritual growth-wise rich commentary, despite the whole “here come another 30 year old’s learnings on life” sound of it.

Office vacant
If there is a community on heaven and earth alike that evangelizes specializations, it must be the Greek / Roman Gods. There are Gods / Goddesses for the offices of corn, alcohol, wedding bliss, battleships, paper cuts, golden apples, shorter queues and shrubs. The affable pub in Harry Potter's first adventure, the three-headed cherub watching Hogwarts descent is almost a Greek God (love the sound of that). He was called Fluffy aptly, but, he borrows his stunning head-topography from his other world cousin who is at this present time guarding hell-gates. A fully itemized listing of these Gods/Goddesses/ other executives could run into a book. In fact, it is a book. Several books. But an indexed search could not get me the God/ Goddess/ Keeper of what I was looking for.

The God of Lost Things. I present myself for the offices of the earthly messenger of this said God/ Goddess. I can lose things everywhere. I have left symbolic bread-crumbs everywhere to demonstrate "I was here." Indian Railways, School libraries, Barista, Banks, Desk, Someone else's Desk, Someone else’s bathroom, Water Coolers, Taxis, Airports and what else is there. Losing is my thing.

I should take a bow. Break a leg.

Classic Seeta and Geeta

Walk into delicatessen with three pigs, figuratively. Walk out with three gips, figuratively. The point is you are short three figurative pigs. I stepped into above delicatessen with red bag. Red bag has Dr Spock book (the baby-poop-is-not-all-bad guy) and funny book on baby bloopers and some Calvin & Hobbes merchandize. Former two items were wrapped as gift items for a person. Walk out the other door and away with Red bag. Somehow reach destination (that much wits Iooks like I had). On a random hunch, check Bag. Bag has, ok, no kidding, "Spanish to English" dictionary. Red bag gets swapped, someone has his / her next baby shower gift ready and I think I got the worst deal of all. Seeing as how I already had a cheap "Learn Spanish in a day" book rotting with my other Neural Network books. And a parallel track is explaining to the giftee how this has come to pass. "Sorry I don't know how this happened. I need to be left alone for some time." And what about that other guy? He thinks someone actually stole his Spanglish dictionary. At least that’s worth some laughs.

No bank left behind

I have four bank accounts (and any maths whiz will tell me that is not a proxy measure of current wealth holdings). Right now, I have registered "Lost Password" requests with four of these banks. These passwords are safely encoded and mummified somewhere. No one will find them. I am probably staring at them now and don't know these are my passwords. What else can explain these 16 post-its at my desk? These are my passwords.

River does not run dry

There is no discrimination based on value. I have lost gold, money, wallets, phones, watches, blankets and debit cards. Have dropped

1. Gold jewels in office break-outs
2. Mobile phones in window displays of malls
3. Debit card, and hold the socks, in the ATM machine
4. Handbags in McDonalds. The whole handbag, the whole nine yards. Walk in with it. Walk out without it. (the 3 Pigs situation, minus the Spanish dictionary)
5. The old favorite is back. Mobile phones in gas cylinder units of longish cars.
6. A blanket, a shawl, a bed sheet, a woolen scarf (dhobi-list special) on the upper berth of an AC 3 tier coach of North Western Indian Railways
7. All kinds of food everywhere
8. All kinds of papers/ documents/ ID cards/ passports everywhere
9. Chargers, cables, wires, cords at the last place I used them. So everywhere. And sometimes I lose it in the same place twice.

Game, set, match, championship.

How do I fix this?
This last month I lost my mobile phone (this was the gas cylinder event). I got it back. That is the subject of another dramedy. In the most corny, Bollywood style possible, I retrieved it. For a day during my rescue-phone project I was (and the joke is on me, not these stalwarts)

1. Nirupa Roy (sickening appeal to conscience with excessive grovelling)
2. Pran (unbelievably hammy threats)
3. Prem Chopra (rambling threats with little meaning, focus on dialogue delivery)
4. AK Hangal (really tragic appeal to conscience with excessive grovelling)
5. A Sony Ericsson representative sending death threats to phone thieves

But most of these stories never have this providential LOST&FOUND conclusion. It’s LOST&….wait up, MORE WILL BE LOST.

My mom asks me to make a mental note every time I leave point A for point B to check if I got everything on me (this does not cover losing online passwords for obvious reasons). If my mental note-taking was so good, I would never be so mental about these things in the first place. It is also ironic coming from her because she is down some 19 tooth-brushes. Every year when we went home for vacations, she would leave her toothbrush behind. People would prophesy that Mom will leave her toothbrush behind, and ba-bing, she would.

My personal opinion on all the jokes / humor targeted at my losing things is that those are in extremely bad taste. They are not kind to people with Alzheimer’s and there are definitely not candy floss for me! But that’s just me. Here is one serious lunacy claim I have, and of course, I don’t want people laughing about it.

On the other hand, however – it’s not possible to say this with a straight face – “I am witlessly losing my things everywhere, sometimes same thing twice. I know I am cursed. But you are cruel to needle my misery with cruel jokes.” I tried but I can’t say this with a straight face.

You ask so have I lost my mind?

Update Oct 30, 2007: Lost phone charger, ID badge (within a day of each other, dont let my pace disappoint anyone)


Anonymous said...

I am an eye witness to your lost and found syndrome..ok lemme correct myself..lost and lost syndrome!!! ur mind is not wat u can loose...or u wudnt be writing so well!!!!..makes a great read!..;o))

Tequila said...

I think its time we set up a club..loser's club??????i really think i can qualify - books, phones, jewels, keys (how can you forget house keys)- they have it in them to get lost, the minute u stop looking at them,little pieces of really important paper- they really get lost like magic all the time!!! and SPECTACLES!!!!

Close contender, Akhila

schizo said...

hi lalitha
thanks for stopping by the blog, keep up the good work while i try go find my mind:-)

Abhilasha said...

With the stupendous achievement of irretrievably lost five wrist watches, I think I can be allowed into the club that Akhila has suggested.

methodactor said...

Anonymous: till you keep OD-ing on LOLs, you will never really be anonymous - NK.
Tequila: Loser's club sounds like a group therapy for runners-up in talent shows. I, here, am trying to glorify this thing here. :-)
Schizo: Thank you too for dropping by.
Abhilasha: Five wrist watches. No, you need more panache / variety. Try some more.

Diligent Candy said...

there is someone like me

there is hope

hang in there

with me