Thursday

Working Title - Eliminating world senselessness: making college education work (please!)

A discussion document

Straight from hell's overworked kitchen: Jaadu ka Laafa. We can grin it. We can bear it.

The Sanju baba guy (hey I thought everyone called him that!) once said that foul mouthed and bad-vibes people need to be warmly hugged because, like the rest of us, they want appreciation too. To that thought we owe Jaadu ki Jhappi. I don't agree all the time with that. Some foul(er) mouthed people need to be tripped, called and directed to the next know-thy-neighbour group therapy class. Every warm hug given is time taken away from the important activity of slapping foul mouthed people. And so was born the Jaadu ka Laafa. JKL.

Definition: A swift full-face-of-the-hand slap placed tightly, forcefully, likely madly on as much surface area of receiving cheek as possible. I think I crossed the lines between "definition" and "technical description" there but I don't care. And yes all this is purely imaginary. Purely, 100%, home-grown imagination.

Who dispenses: Whoever is faster. Figures.

Who receives: Who had it coming for years. Really. Things got to such a pass. And of course, the slower one.

What's special: Its directly opposed in principle and ideology to Mohandas Karamchand's Gandhi's non-violence beliefs. It actively seeks cheek. Option to turn the other cheek is that of the slapee's. A singular slap should be ideologically sufficient, but more slaps will be more fun. Its also special because its totally a figment of my imagination and I can take it to any level of chutzpah I want. And the best part, you have the freedom to slap without prejudice.

Why: Oh, this should have come earlier in the scheme. The JKL is administered when you are pushed to limits of human endeavor in the field of tolerating totally inexplicable occurrences of

  1. Rare Stupidity

  1. One that is home-grown and not attributable to any incident, favorable or unfavorable, occurring during and around womb-stay, infancy, childhood, adolescence and adulthood.

  2. Not to be confused with the exalted standards of Forrest Gump's Stupid-is-as-Stupid -does – that's good old-fashioned doltness and silliness (considered cute and rare in a good way); this is full-bodied defiance of available common sense.

  3. This is best defined by the resulting symptom: rare stupidity is said to have occurred when upon someone's action or word, your eyes are spinning in involuntary and invisible circles, mostly inside your skull but sometimes, just dipping out. You are likely to gulp for air also.

  4. Words we are looking for: random, bizarre, irrational, WTF, permafrost

  5. Example statement: "People who keep their houses clean have very few friends" (fact, actually said, heard)

  6. Type of JKL recommended: Instant, once, immediate exit, absolute memory erasure thereafter

  1. Advice Hydration

  1. So called because it is the opposite of dehydration, sort of. There is so much excess molecular-level advice-giving propensity in these bodies that the bodies are dying to give it away. I use dying in a scientific sense. Almost every opportunity not utilized to dispense advice pellets is construed by the pituitary gland as not good. They live because they can give it away. I mean advice.

  2. Not to be confused with advice in general, which most people like receiving for some reason. This is more personal or what's-the-word-I-am-looking-for – person-specific? The person is intransigently linked to the cycle of advice giving and advice giving and advice giving, their nirvana wires totally messed up somewhere.

  3. Portentously, heightened activity is observed around unmarried women with still enough teeth to have a go at the sacred institution, childless marriages, catered funeral arrangements, someone else's kitchen arrangements, choice of post graduation subject and international long distance calls.

  4. Words we are looking for: Help, asphyxiating, compulsive, unsolicited, unwelcome, big polygonal proboscis

  5. Example statement: "If you don't marry now, you will be lonely when you are old. Refer Aunt Cha-cha-chi." Who, by the way, by the way, is living it up! Advice hydration is special because rare stupidity is a necessary pre-condition for admission. And then you need to have that extra tashan.

  6. Type of JKL recommended: Repeated soft assaults, such as to prevent the tongue molecules from regrouping to form words of advice.

  1. Purple Pantese (act of being a purple underwear or a drama queen)

  1. Behavior characterized by a strong wind of disproportionate, if not highly inappropriate, emotion, drama and kitsch last experienced in Shemaroo Video trailers in videotape format.

  2. You know you have been purple panty-ized when you say, "ok, good, now pass me the muffin" or "ok, I did not have to see that," .

  3. Rare stupidity is a necessary pre-condition of course, but purple pantese is specifically with a flair for drama.

  4. Words we are looking for: Spasmodically painful, stomach-sickening, deafness and blindness-inducing

  5. Examples:

    1. Shah Rukh Khan admirers whose DNA responds directly to any SRK criticism. They have restraint orders on them in some cases and are bombs with a loose-detonate reflex. There cannot be a tearless discussion on anything, not even SRK purported left chin cleft (there is not a thing in this world that is a left chin cleft).

    2. Office gripes (who are a subject of a dissertation I am right now pondering upon) who say -“I have always thought of you as my father, not my boss.” - what??!!!!, but you can’t prove it right???

    3. I have never lied in my life – my value system does not allow it – my integrity is worth being on a postage stamp” – Oh, certainly, I appreciate it, but will you at least once pay for dinner this once??

    4. Any blatant, sniveling, two-bit, half-bit lies that you don’t need Superman’s X-ray vision to see through.

  1. All auto rickshaw drivers, everywhere (all occurrences, without fail)

  1. Make your own JKL: There can be other challenging conditions prompting the release of a JKL, but upon closely observing the last ten times I came close to the act, I think I have covered good ground here.

Accompanying risks and likely solutions: I know it's not politically correct to go, like all slappin' people and all. Its largely not good by way of retribution risk also. So I would say pick the targets well.

Used correctly and judiciously, the force of the JLT is immense. But hey, this is my imagination. I am not slapping any twits in real life. So I can be indiscriminate in my blog. I can, like, not stop ever. What a game of mental comeuppance. It wont make them go from your world. It will make them go, ever so fleetingly, from your mind.

8 comments:

Raaga said...

Back with a bang? My sides are aching!

Introspect said...

You back, sounds like all coming from a power pack women. liked it most & would love to apply JKL,, imaginary & umm. dunno if practically ;)

looking forward to hear more..

methodactor said...

I feel like Spiderman, I am back! :-)

Introspect: Read my lips - do not, under any circumstances, do a physical JKL! Filhaal I cant afford a lawyer - lagta hai disclaimer lagana padega! Thanks for liking it most. :-)

Introspect said...

Alright. as u say.. I have actually held myself back number of times. Thanks for advice..

Chandana said...

BAHAHAHA....especially the bit about people with clean kitchens having no friends...
and I am totally fantasizing about handing out random JKLs to various folks (no prizes for guessing who); or as MTV would say "one tight slap only"!

methodactor said...

Thanks Chandana, and maybe to the same lot of people!! Who knows, such is this world!

Anonymous said...

lol!!!..this is the funniest ever and so true...i like the way u have defined the various types..lol!!!..keep writing..n wen r u publishing ur dissertation??

akhila said...

ROTFL. you go girl, this rocks totally.

Just imagining slapping some very slappable people made me very very good. Hmm:).

Keep writing and writing often.